DELIGHT

Now for something different (oh wait, no this is not different....it's the usual!) - a running monologue and commentary from Heather's brain. Enjoy your evening read! :

It is refreshing, (I think that's the word of the night), to like the messiness in people's lives (or at least to graciously allow for it), in their hearts, their emotions, and to embrace them/where they are at....not expecting them to be any certain way, or change any certain thing. Doing so overly reminds you of how raw you are, and how deep your mental craziness is, what you hope people overlook, and why you need grace.

We are beautiful, broken, struggling, searching, adventurous, tenacious, questioning, never give up souls on this earth.....and when we know the extent of this in our own selves, and know who it is that loves us and holds us together ....then we can much more so offer grace and understanding and love to others, exactly where they are at...

It is actually quite beautiful and liberating to purposefully see Jesus in everyone you come across. It's not like I possess some magical ability to do this, because I don't. I am a human, and have thought and feelings, and they aren't always nice ones either....But the Holy Spirit can enable you to see people how He sees them....and when you can tap into that....or when I've been able to tap into that....there is something soo rich there. It's rich because that's how Christ sees me. Not for what I can do, and accomplish and how I'm going to save the world (oop, can't do that anyway), or how I'm going to revolutionize the whole wide world. Do you ever get to that place where you are running in 10 directions, doing many good things, completely unable to stay on top of it all, feeling discouraging, getting overwhelmed, and then seriously ready to throw in the towel and stay in bed for like 4 and a half days? I think I love those days. After the pinnacle of the emotion and the discouragement, comes some ridiculous wave of peace...of stillness. Like I don' t have to move or do anything or say anything. Like none of my worth or who I am is going to be measured by all the things my maniacal self can do. I sit, still...quiet....and then I hope. I hope in something far bigger or greater than me....something, someone, God, that I promise you more often that not, I don't understand. And then even in the not understanding, God shows me that He is bigger than my finite mind. Sometimes it takes me to this point of craziness, to get me still, so He can whisper something...I must make God's lungs sore sometimes....and He is finally refusing to shout.

Heather, do life with me. You're doing good things, but what you do is not equated with who you are in me. Know that first. Know me first. Find me first. Be found in me first. And I sit there like I've been banging my flipping head against the wall, and I put the brick down, and I finally say, "Yes, Lord, I am getting it now..." And let that not be a negative image or a depressing visual. Gosh, to me it's one of hope. Hope that at any point, in any situation, that God is God and I am not....that I can aspire and dream, and pursue things, and put my heart out there, and love and do whatever the heck I am trying to do/wanting to do....and He will and can bless and use this and that and me...but that through Him, by me seeking Him first, putting Him first, realizing the whole reason I have life, first, that then things can begin to blossom and spring up in better ways than I could ever realize...in prettier colors, in nicer shapes. It's not always easy, and neat....cause it's not. Life can be messy and challenging, and sometimes there are not always the pretty colors and shapes, and the like....but then I keep remembering the times God did surprise me and showed me in His time something greater, and neater than my understanding would allow for.

I think a good word in sum is "perspective" or "focus." Lord I don't fully know what it means to "give you my heart," or "seek you first." I screw things up but I want to want you at least. I choose to rest in you....and from there I can go forth......

And after all that heavy stuff...whatever I just said above......After saying that God is teaching me perspective, and what needs to come first in my life...lighter stuff!

I've had the biggest blast ever, playing music with a friend lately. He's in town just for the summer, but I've been learning his music, and we've been cranking it out. We've been playing "name that folk group," and are narrowing down what we want to be known as. :) Making music, singing, owning that folksy/hippie/earthy vibe.....making each song some creative art piece...it's good stuff. I feel as if I've just gone on a min-tour of the Tower in Fresno. Well...not really cause we only played at a few places, but it was a lot in just a few days, back to back. A little gig here, 2 open mic nights at places, a house party, and then this Sunday a low-key fundraiser event. And THEN we'll be doing a show soon, at the end of July..just us - a full acoustic gig at a coffeeshop. A little event, not necessarily taking Tower by storm...ha! But it will be delightful. God is granting me one of the desires of my heart, and that is to sing and make music and collaborate. Love it!

Oh yea, and I get to fly back East to Maryland (and Viriginia) for a cousin's wedding, and get to see my mom - haven't seen her in almost a year. It will be a short whirlwind few days, but I know it's going to be a wonderful time..I cannot wait until the clock strikes 5:16 at work next Wednesday. Airport bound. Peace out Fresno. (Hah! For a few days that is...) If I don't fall asleep within 34 seconds of "the emergency exits are here, here, and here," I hope for a few hours of thinking, being still, dreaming, and then finally resting the brain. :) Time away from reality/current life, always helps with perspective. God help us all with that word. As we run around like ants with great causes, help us to see who created the ground we march on...help us to let you into our lives more and more....